EMPOWERING THE IDEA OF FAILURE. (Updated 4. 2018)
February 2nd, 2018 by Alison Dwight
The Essential Guide to
In the Silicon Valley
Failure. It is whatever meaning One applies to it…
Are you terrified of the Idea of Failure? Will you do Anything to avoid it…which specifically means you will not even Start to insure that you will Not fail?!
True Story: You are going to fail and you are going to fail a lot! That is, if you plan on “winning”.
The more you get into the game, the more you get on the Stage, the more you go All In and get in “the lane”, the sooner you are going to Learn and grow, which means “Failure”, which ultimately means “Winning”!
Let me explain. I am terrified of losing and being a “Loser”. I seriously to this day think this is a part of my daily dialogue. I have been like this since I was in high school and decided to start “winning” in the ‘Mainstream Game”. Which meant; looks ie external appearance, and success, which meant grades and popularity. That was my experience and I feel like this is common for middle school and high school kids, even stretching to elementary school and college.
Anyway, back to my personal experience of the Fear of Losing and Fear of Failure. It comes and goes. The truth is when the Fear comes, most of us retreat into our Comfort Zone! What is the Comfort Zone?
Where do you go when you feel the Fear of doing something out of your comfort zone, the place where the extraordinary can occur?
You know there is a Resistance to this invitation virtually every single time one is offered the opportunity to dance with being extraordinary. It is a fear thought that has an immediate visceral response that is at the mental/emotional level and almost immediately goes into the physical body.
When we feel inspired, we often confront a choice. We can go back to the habit which is the fear the resistance or you can go to the place where the extraordinary can occur.
One way to transcend this Resistance to the extraordinary space is to override it with a secondary response. Fear says, “watch out!…retreat! Flinch!!” and your personal power, self awareness, higher self says “Go Forward Now!. Face your fear. Go to it and then go through it.”
But if you are like me, the Ego Monkey Mind might be telling you “what if it is dangerous and might harm you physically, financially, emotionally, mentally? Sit with this and see what is true. Allow the thoughts to arise. Observe them with a relaxed body breathing deeply (three deeply conscious slow breathes) and with each exhalation, let the fears pass energetically and be with your truth and ask yourself, what do I need to do? Nothing? Or something specific? Then when you do this it will be doable and feel good and true.
The Comfort Zone is the place of hiding. It is watching TV, playing video games, eating, alcohol, name your comfort addiction. Notice how much time you spend there and why you are really there. Then see if you can practice daily lessening the amount of time you spend in the comfort zone by pushing past Resistance into the place of Personal Power, transcendence and Growth! This is the place where magic happens. This is the place where growth and power happen. This is the place where true Living happens. This is the place that dreaming becomes actuality. This place is not the Comfort Zone. This place is often a place that may be a place of “Failure” because the outcome may not be what your expectation had been and one will call this failure but, I assure you, it is not. It is only the interpretation we apply to the outcome that makes it hurt, that makes it scary, that makes one feel like a loser.
You see, it is only a thought. It is not real. The thought is Energy that passes when it is not contained. By one saying it is a real thing that has to be contained, discussed, felt, expressed, talked about until we finally get exhausted by the suffering . We can make a choice to let it go into the energetic flow. We have the power do this within a blink of an eye, it is simply a choice. Taking longer to make the choice is suffering. It is simple, yet our Monkey Mind, Ego, Parasite, Painbody says it is not simple and wants us to question that and suffer. #samsara
However; If one pushes past resistance and goes to a new experience, it does not matter what the outcome is! It is about the experience and the growth and leveling up of awareness that this creates within the individual!
This must happen to become extraordinary. No one escapes this process. Those that succeed at achieving desired results and extraordinary living are those who learn from their experiences and go toward what they fear for the chance of getting to an extraordinary space which can be generated by this process.
Within the family structure, if you are calling this Failure and talking about how bad failure is and using bribes and threats to get a child to achieve an outcome…you will breed such a profound Fear of failure that your children will adamantly retreat into whatever comfort zone they can find as often as possible!
What to do Instead?
- Personal Self Awareness. What were your deep seated and earliest experiences with “Failure”. What were your family of origin and primary caregiver’s energy state that was passed on to you. Know that many may have pre birth energy states and early childhood pre conscious energetic experiences as well. Then Choose to Create a New Reality for the benefit of your self as a beacon of light and to teach your children from a state of Love, not Fear.
- Encourage and Demonstrate diving into experiences without Any emphatic expectation of outcome. In other words, encourage doing your best with what you are capable of right now with the tools, skills and experiences your children have in this moment and Honor, Love and Respect where they are at right Now. They are new beings and Love, Trust and Inspiration will motivate them more than any Fear, Threat, Bribe, or Abuse. Also, demonstrate joy in experiences…All experiences…even a different outcome that may not have been expected or designed. Gratitude is the answer. All is coming in the Universal time, not Your time.
- Have a family meeting to discuss these ideas and come up with family vocabulary to reframe meanings to Empower the individual. What will you call “Failure” and what feelings will you associate with the Idea of not having the Outcome you planned. What will you call “Winning” what will be the definition of winning.
Okay all you families that Must keep Winning and Losing as it were and call everyone else Losers. What do you get out of this,what damage and harm do you create? Dive deep. Roger Federer is one human being in nearly 8 billion. Are you going to torture, shame, blame, harm, bribe, force a child who is doing his or her best in the moment? What do you get out of this? Money? External Affirmation? At what cost?
Lastly, what if your kid wants to be a “beta”, doesn’t want to be an “alpha”? What if he or she just wants a peaceful, simple life, or to live a life of simple status and simple means? Will you still love this child unconditionally? It is important to consider, and visualize yourself as a parent being unconditionally loving in all these situations.
Practice working through how you would feel and transcending your personal fears and limits to be a truly loving, and inspiring parent. If one is living his our her purpose, they will feel it. As well it takes time to uncover and discover one’s true purpose, and the road to this is not usually straight, easy and short. We should encourage our children to live their purpose by observing their true nature. Which means, what are they naturally drawn to, are naturally good at, and feel the most enlivened doing.
This is a process and loving someone gets them their much faster than trying to force, punish, or control them with your own fears. Trust in the process. It will work. One’s calling often unveils slowly. It is not something we can rush, nor does it come in one huge epiphany ordownload. It is a process, and we can chose to make this process loving to ensure that the child has great self worth, confidence and secure attachment with their primary care givers which will significantly prevent low self worth, mental illness, addictions, depression, and anxiety. It is more than worth it to Consciously parent your children.
TRUE STORY: I am humble because this I experienced and struggled with personally) When people follow their soul path, this is what happens.
While living in the heart of Old Palo Alto, the heart of the Silicon Valley, my oldest son had a close friend who was one of three kids in a very successful, prominent local family. The first two kids of these very intelligent, loving and committed parents were attending MIT and Harvard consecutively.
(Talk about the larger culture…t give parents credit…they don’t disown the kid that was on his own path…they stayed in there …the local culture of the silicon valley)
Well guess what, kid number 3, my son’s friend was having none of this. He was introverted, quiet and very interested in making ‘weird’ electronic music, playing guitar, and video games. I felt some local families may hae been fearful for this kid’s future, and, by proxy, did not want their kids necessarily to hang with, let’s call him, Bret. Don’t be mad at me for calling it out. It is true. And this happens often, don’t lie to yourselves. As far as I could tell, Bret was in and out of various boarding schools, private schools, whatever necessary to get him to follow ‘the program’. I would guess his parents were fairly concerned and were at a loss for what to do. I have been there as well. It is a deeply fearful place. Fast forward 7 years from 18 and guess what, Bret is a world famous EDM DJ that headlines all around the world at festivals, including Coachella, and Burning Man. He Loves his life, loves his work, and has hundreds of thousands of followers, has a beautiful girlfriend, and makes a real living off of doing what he loves and is passionate about. He did not like school and was not “winning” in the “mainstream game”, in fact he was theoretically “failing”. Right? But see what a different applied meaning would have had with respect, honor, trust and practicing letting go of Fear.
There are multiple other scenarios for “winning” it might not be fame and fortune. It is honorable if someone’s passion is to be an organic vegetable gardener, a house builder, fill in the blanks. People do not need to have insurmountable wealth, status, pedigree, stature to be worthy, honorable and loveable. Do they? Preferably we can guide your child to be emotionally well, able to take care of themselves physically, emotionally, mentally, also contributing to community and capable of healthy relationships. Is not this worthy of your love and acceptance, respect and honoring? If not, this is Your work to do.
**One last Very important aside. Parodoxically it can feel weak and powerless on many levels to allow a child, or anyone that you care about deeply for that matter, to make their own decisions; however, if you continue to not only tell, but show them, that you believe in them, love them and trust them then they will become resourceful, resilient, confident, healthy and wise decision makers faster than you can imagine. Trust the process.
Fear Not. Parent Consciously with LOVE. THE MOST IMPORTANT THING FOR YOUR CHILDRENS’ SUCCESS IS YOUR LOVE AND TRUST.
DO UNCONDITIONALLY LOVE YOUR CHILDREN. That means, without transaction, without conditions.
And Lastly, trust and practice that you will do your best to teach your children to the best of your ability and accept and honor your process of learning and accept and honor their process of learning! Life is precisely about this! It is not about “Winning” and “Losing”. That is a wounding, harmful game of Ego that in the end will be ultimate and true “Failure”. Unconditional Love is the ultimate “Winners’” game.
**PLEASE PREPARE FOR THE PUBLICATION OF MY FIRST BOOK:
THE ESSENTIAL GUIDE TO CONSCIOUS PARENTING
IN THE SILICON VALLEY.
AN INSIDER’S POINT OF VIEW.
Hay House Publishing